That Now He Is An Expert On Theologee!

With characteristically priceless illustrations, the incomparable Eccles writes:

If you didn't enjoy I've got a little list, I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic, or The nightmare song, then you certainly won't enjoy this one. In case the original is unfamiliar, it may be found here, for example.

When I was a lad I spent six terms

At Oxford, studying the voles and worms.

I also learnt about the frogs and mice,

And camels, crocodiles, and goats and lice.

I learned so much about zoologee

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learned so much about zoologee

That now he is an expert on theologee!

To reach the top I had to climb uphill,

And started studying for my D.Phil.

I wrote a thesis about how hens behaved:

For four long years upon this work I slaved.

I understood those chickens so successfullee

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He understood those chickens so successfullee

That now he is an expert on theologee!

Of chicken-knowledge I acquired such a grip,

Those Oxford dons gave me a lectureship.

I told the students everything I knew

And most of them came back for Lecture 2.

I taught those students so efficientlee

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He taught those students so efficientlee

That now he is an expert on theologee!

In public life I came upon the scene

By writing something called The Selfish Gene.

Of fame and glory I began to dream

When people said they liked my new word, "Meme".

I grew so used to saying "Me me me"

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He grew so used to saying "Me me me"

That now he is an expert on theologee!

I wrote another book - it was a grind -
Of watches made by someone who was blind.

On evolution I was now expert

And treated all religious views like dirt.

I studied Darwin so assiduouslee

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He studied Darwin so assiduouslee

That now he is an expert on theologee!

In private life I'd been a little bored,

But my third wife was actress Lalla Ward.

She was no scientist, it's true,

Although she'd come to fame in Dr Who.

I learnt so much from planet Gallifree

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learnt so much from planet Gallifree

That now he is an expert on theologee!

I walked one day around New College quad,

And thought "I know, I'll start attacking God!"

The God Delusion was the book I wrote:

Its healthy sales made me show off and gloat.

The masses so much liked tomfooleree

That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: The masses so much liked tomfooleree

That now he is an expert on theologee!

I got up to a few more tricks

By baiting Anglicans and Catholics.

I tried to persecute the Pope:

I said "Arrest him!" They replied "You dope!"

I hassled Christians so effectivelee

They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

CHORUS: I hassled Christians so effectivelee

They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

Now readers all, whoever you may be,

If you want to be an expert on theologee,

Don't read the Bible, Augustine, Jerome,

Or any writings from those men in Rome.

Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

CHORUS: Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee –

And you all may be experts on theologee!