James Bloodworth explains this delicate art:
Telegraph blogger Dan Hodges has been on
fine form this week with a couple of pieces laying into – you guessed it – Ed
Miliband. In the eyes of our Dan, Ed can seemingly do no
right. Or if he can, it’s only by aping the policies of Dan’s apparent
man-crush, David Cameron.
Here at Left Foot Forward, we’ve been told that there may be a formula to all this stuff; that one can produce a ‘Dan Hodges’ on spec and that there are certain rules and equations to it. With this very much in mind, here is our modest attempt at producing a blueprint for you, the reader, to follow. Could you be the next Dan Hodges?
1. Start your piece with some condescending praise for Ed Miliband
Your piece must be more than just a one-dimensional rant, therefore some backhanded praise is in order first up. Because you will be placing yourself inside the mind of Dan Hodges while writing the piece (you might even go as far as to imagine you are wearing him like a glove), any praise that you do offer must be tempered with a sense of exasperation.
“Finally, Ed Miliband gets it. Yes, the flat-earthers will continue to deny it. The direct-action brigade will march up and down the same stretch of pavement chanting “whose streets?” and ignore it…But praise be to the Lord, the leader of the Labour party finally understands that he is currently in the process of losing the next election, and if he wants to actually win it something has to change.” – June 2013, Telegraph.
2. Attribute anything good the Labour Party has ever done to a small band of Blairite dissidents
Because the Labour Party has so obviously been the subject of a hostile take over by the trade unions and the far-left (see point three), somewhere in your piece you should bemoan the passing of the Halcyon days of high Blairism. Anything that Ed Miliband decides to do that looks remotely like a vote winner must also be cast as an idea originally dreamed up by a small faction of courageous New Labour dissidents.
“Labour finally gets it. After the years of deflection and denial, Ed Miliband and his shadow chancellor recognise the truth. Labour’s strategy on the economy isn’t working. Labour’s strategy on welfare isn’t working. Labour’s strategy isn’t working, period…The rise of Ukip proves the political centre is shifting to the Right.” – June 2013, the Telegraph.
3. Inflate the influence of the far-left to near gigantic proportions
A Dan Hodges piece should be written as if the Berlin Wall still stands and there is an imminent danger that the Red Army may soon be watering its horses in the Thames. In other words, the threat from the far left should be inflated to such colossal proportions that they must always be on the cusp of victory. The red tide is being held back only by the tenacity of the remaining Labour ‘modernisers’.
“In the 1980s Labour made itself unelectable because the moderates within its ranks failed to organise. In 2013 the same thing is happening. The Left is in the ascendant.” – May 2013, the Telegraph.
4. Hedge your bets
Despite the fact that David Miliband lost the Labour leadership contest in 2010, there’s nothing quite like a lost cause to defend. Ed represents the Blairite revolution betrayed, and as with so many revolutions the real inheritor of the revolutionary mantle is marooned overseas ready to return triumphantly at the hour of need.
“It’s just possible Ed Miliband may one day run our country. But he is unlikely to ever lead it.” – June 2013, Evening Standard.
5. Don’t forget to cite a ‘senior source’ (your mate down the pub)
In your opinion Ed Miliband is failing abysmally, but it’s important to add gravitas to this charge by citing someone really in the know. This is where your ‘insider’ or ‘senior cabinet source’ comes in. In reality any saloon-bar bore with an opinion will do.
“‘Iron discipline has to be part of communications, not just part of the policy,’ says one shadow shadow cabinet insider.” – June 2013, Evening Standard.
Here at Left Foot Forward, we’ve been told that there may be a formula to all this stuff; that one can produce a ‘Dan Hodges’ on spec and that there are certain rules and equations to it. With this very much in mind, here is our modest attempt at producing a blueprint for you, the reader, to follow. Could you be the next Dan Hodges?
1. Start your piece with some condescending praise for Ed Miliband
Your piece must be more than just a one-dimensional rant, therefore some backhanded praise is in order first up. Because you will be placing yourself inside the mind of Dan Hodges while writing the piece (you might even go as far as to imagine you are wearing him like a glove), any praise that you do offer must be tempered with a sense of exasperation.
“Finally, Ed Miliband gets it. Yes, the flat-earthers will continue to deny it. The direct-action brigade will march up and down the same stretch of pavement chanting “whose streets?” and ignore it…But praise be to the Lord, the leader of the Labour party finally understands that he is currently in the process of losing the next election, and if he wants to actually win it something has to change.” – June 2013, Telegraph.
2. Attribute anything good the Labour Party has ever done to a small band of Blairite dissidents
Because the Labour Party has so obviously been the subject of a hostile take over by the trade unions and the far-left (see point three), somewhere in your piece you should bemoan the passing of the Halcyon days of high Blairism. Anything that Ed Miliband decides to do that looks remotely like a vote winner must also be cast as an idea originally dreamed up by a small faction of courageous New Labour dissidents.
“Labour finally gets it. After the years of deflection and denial, Ed Miliband and his shadow chancellor recognise the truth. Labour’s strategy on the economy isn’t working. Labour’s strategy on welfare isn’t working. Labour’s strategy isn’t working, period…The rise of Ukip proves the political centre is shifting to the Right.” – June 2013, the Telegraph.
3. Inflate the influence of the far-left to near gigantic proportions
A Dan Hodges piece should be written as if the Berlin Wall still stands and there is an imminent danger that the Red Army may soon be watering its horses in the Thames. In other words, the threat from the far left should be inflated to such colossal proportions that they must always be on the cusp of victory. The red tide is being held back only by the tenacity of the remaining Labour ‘modernisers’.
“In the 1980s Labour made itself unelectable because the moderates within its ranks failed to organise. In 2013 the same thing is happening. The Left is in the ascendant.” – May 2013, the Telegraph.
4. Hedge your bets
Despite the fact that David Miliband lost the Labour leadership contest in 2010, there’s nothing quite like a lost cause to defend. Ed represents the Blairite revolution betrayed, and as with so many revolutions the real inheritor of the revolutionary mantle is marooned overseas ready to return triumphantly at the hour of need.
“It’s just possible Ed Miliband may one day run our country. But he is unlikely to ever lead it.” – June 2013, Evening Standard.
5. Don’t forget to cite a ‘senior source’ (your mate down the pub)
In your opinion Ed Miliband is failing abysmally, but it’s important to add gravitas to this charge by citing someone really in the know. This is where your ‘insider’ or ‘senior cabinet source’ comes in. In reality any saloon-bar bore with an opinion will do.
“‘Iron discipline has to be part of communications, not just part of the policy,’ says one shadow shadow cabinet insider.” – June 2013, Evening Standard.
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