Are you in Essex or the East End of London?
Are you an economically social democratic, morally and socially conservative British and Commonwealth patriot?
Could you be the Independent candidate for Erith and Thamesmead?
No toddlers need apply.
That seat is on course to be won by the BNP if the spitting in the electorate's face goes ahead after all.
Mind you, I have now been told half a dozen times that if the ballot-rigging doesn't work there, then Little Miss Parliament will be imposed on North-West Durham, where we are, after all, used to the idea of a safe Labour seat as a princess's plaything. At least Philip Gould is not the retiring MP.
But I don't know who is supposed to campaign for her, or even to sign her nomination papers. Will the last abolished councillor, or other stalwart, to leave the Labour Party in these parts please turn out the lights.