Bog Standard

Michele Hanson writes:

At last MPs, with Hazel Blears, the communities secretary, in charge, have noticed the desperate lack of public lavatories and decided to do something about it. Good. We need public lavatories more than ever, what with our increasingly ageing population, throngs of binge drinkers, 24-hour boozing and a baby boom. So what do Blears and her gang propose as a new national strategy to increase the availability of public conveniences? Community toilet schemes, in which councils will pay local pub, cafe, restaurant and shop owners to allow the public in to use their lavatories.

What sort of an idea is that? Who wants incontinent, vomiting, loose-bowelled and nappy-changing persons tramping in and out of their premises day and night, even for a fee? It doesn't work. In my local high street, businesses kindly made their lavatories available, and youths pouring out of a pop concert stormed into the nearby restaurants and cafes: the other clients didn't take kindly to it. Who wants lavatory-goers, especially drunk or desperate ones, traipsing past when one is trying to enjoy a relaxing meal or drink or whatever? The greater sense of community spirit that Blears requested no longer exists in our high street. The plan has collapsed.

Now I find that there is no statutory obligation for local authorities to provide lavatories. Why not? Perhaps Blears should initiate one. It is heavenly to have flowers all along the Holloway Road, in north London, but we can live without them. We cannot live without going to the lavatory. We cannot choose when and where we must go. We must go when we must go, and that basic need must be provided for. Free. There are free public lavatories in Argentina, a country that has recently been close to economic meltdown. I know because a friend visited one and was given two free sheets of lav paper as she entered, by a kind but toothless lady assistant. If Argentina can manage it - free lavs, free paper and assistant on site - why can't we?

But instead of free lavatories, our MPs plan to give local authorities the power to charge an entrance fee. It's just money, money, money, which is why many of our fabulous Victorian lavatories have been lost forever, 5,000 over the past 10 years, allowed to go to rack and ruin, or let or sold, particularly in prime sites - turned into a nail bar in Kentish Town, a lawyer's office in Glasgow, an Indian takeaway in Doncaster, a snooker hall in Shepherd's Bush Green, and a theatre in Malvern.

What a tragedy, because the new replacement automated pod-type public lavatories are not popular. I tried one last week. A terrifying experience. At the press of a button the whole side of the lavatory gapes open, and there you are, visible to the world with your knickers down. Suppose you brush against that button by accident, or press the wrong button? It probably rarely happens in reality, but the new lavatories feel horribly insecure. In a lavatory, you need a proper door that shuts and locks. And no blow dryers for hands, please. They don't work.

So instead of coyly twittering on about taboos, community spirit, SatLav and strategy, perhaps Blears and her MPs could just do something sensible for once: halt the sale of traditional lavatories, oblige councils to refurbish them and provide more, free of charge, so that anyone of any age, whatever the state of their bowels or bladder, can go anywhere they please without having to anxiously plan their outings around the few remaining lavatory opportunities.

The Victorians built public lavatories to improve public hygiene and health. We now have a larger population and fewer lavatories. And people sneer at me for being nostalgic.