Sam Kriss writes:
This is urgent, so I’ll get straight to the point. Nick Cohen is
in your house.
Yes,
that Nick Cohen, the Orwell
Prize-shortlisted writer, journalist and commentator, the author of five books,
frequently published in the
Observer and the
Spectator, the one who looks like a kind of malignant
egg, with his pervert’s dent of a top lip, his strange remnant of a haircut,
and those eerily mild eyes, the faint twirling eyes of a man who likes more
than anything to
observe, to
spectate: he is in your house.
I don’t know exactly
how he got in there. I can’t tell you exactly where he is.
Nick Cohen might be
hiding under your bed, rolling a carelessly drooped bit of fabric between his
gleeful fingers. He might be in your closet, his breath hard and ecstatic
through the slats as you unthinkingly undress in front of him.
He might peek
through cracks in the plaster, he might take photos while you sleep. You think
you know your own home, but so does Nick Cohen, and there are a thousand places
he might be, film camera in hand, watching you.
He could be standing right
behind you, pale bloated fingers hovering just above your shoulders. Don’t turn
around. You won’t see him unless he wants you to see him.
But you can speak to
him if you want. Take out your mobile phone and call your home number. You’ll
hear it ring, and then his voice.
‘I told you I was in your house,’ he’ll say.
‘I’m in your house right now. You need to listen to me. The regressive left
poses a very real threat to free speech.’
Nick Cohen is a bad writer with terrible
opinions, but there are teeming thousands of those; there’s something else
about him that makes the man so creepy.
His views are, broadly, those of the
liberal commentariat in general, and arguing against them would just mean
repeating the same lines, endlessly, until every newspaper columnist in the
country has heard them. An utter waste of time.
This is why you have to resort
to personal attacks. ‘So you’ve got a problem with what I have to say?’ Nick
Cohen asks. ‘You want to silence me?’
And it’s true, I don’t agree with what he
says, but that’s not the problem: the problem is that he’s saying it while
inside my house.
If you’ve seen the 1997 David Lynch film
Lost Highway, you’ve met Nick Cohen before. He is the
Mystery Man, the
sinister deathly-white figure at the party who is, simultaneously, in your
house.
I’m not just saying that Nick Cohen looks absolutely identical to him –
although he really does; they have the same bulbously terrifying face, with its
deep-set eyes and its obscene red gash of a mouth – but that they are, quite
literally, the same thing.
(A brief detour. Lynch scholarship is still very
much dominated by Slavoj Žižek, and under this Lacanian rubric ... Reducing
the Lynchian vertigo to oneirocriticism is actually deeply
boring. Dreams are just a rearrangement of reality,
but if you fold the process of representation you get
mise en abyme, the image emerging from the void.)
The
Mystery Man tells you that he is in your house, and that you invited him in,
even though you’re repulsed by him, even though you don’t want him there.
Later, he shoves his
camera in your face. ‘And your name,’ he barks. ‘What the fuck is your name?’
Nick Cohen is in the political left.
It’s not that he’s
part of it, exactly; he doesn’t fight in
the left’s struggles, he doesn’t seem to care about leftist causes, but he’s
there, within, watching.
This has been, for some years now, his journalistic
gimmick.
He’s on the left, yes, but he’s also possibly the last journalist in
Britain to still defend the 2003 attack on Iraq, he endlessly whinges about
student no-platforming of fascists or the censure of
Charlie Hebdo’s state-sponsored racism as a threat to
freedom of speech, and he’s never met a socialist government or a popular
resistance movement that he didn’t loathe.
But because he’s on the left, his
global hostility to actual socialism must therefore be an authentic leftist
position.
A strange, greasy three-stage manoeuvre: first he’s in the left, then
he
is the
left, then you’re not.
Nick Cohen’s favoured term for people who don’t think
exactly like Nick Cohen is ‘pseudo-left’: people who oppose imperialist wars,
for instance, or defend successful socialist revolutions – what the fuck is
your name?
This was the subject of
an entire book, but it seems the theme hasn’t yet
exhausted itself.
In his most recent article, an utterly bizarre outburst,
politically useless but the kind of parapraxical emission that’s always been of
interest to psychoanalysis, he writes that Westerners who have solidarity with
the progressive government in Venezuela are
exactly like sex tourists.
During the Labour leadership contest, he
dismissed support for the socialist Jeremy Corbyn as a
kind of ‘identity leftism’ on the part of the narcissistic youth, people who
just want to see their opinions reflected in someone else – a strange critique,
coming from a man whose only real connection to the left is that he identifies
himself as being within it.
But there he is. Nick Cohen is in your left. As a
matter of fact, he’s there right now.
Nick Cohen is a Jew. He’s not
halachically Jewish – one paternal grandfather, enough to claim Israeli
citizenship, not enough to help make up a minyan – and neither is he in any
sense culturally Jewish.
It’s not only that he never spun a dreidel or had to
ask why his penis looked different to all the other boys’; as anyone who’s read
his columns will know, he has no connection at all to the great Jewish
literary, comedic or radical traditions.
But he has decided to be a Jew. In
fact, he’s decided to do so not
once but
twice.
He’s not
actually converting, you understand; no siddur will pollute his atheist’s
hands.
He’s becoming a Jew first of all so that he can claim for himself a
slice of Jewish oppression, so he can rub oily indignity all over his face –
but also so he can have a peek at his newfound co-religionists, and he doesn’t
like what he sees.
In his most recent statement of conversion, he spares a few
lines for those actual Jews who oppose the state of Israel, people like me.
‘Whenever I hear Jews announce their hatred of Israel’s very existence,’ he
writes, ‘I suspect that underneath their loud bombast lies a quiet plea to the
Islamists and neo-Nazis who might harm them: I’m not like the others. Don’t
pick on me.’
If this invective was coming from someone who was not Jewish, it
would be recognised for what it is: a collection of classically antisemitic
tropes, the cringing Jew, the cowardly Jew, the conniving Jew, the Jew who will
lie and grovel and dissimulate to protect himself and his miserly little pile
of belongings.
That would be unacceptable; surely nobody would publish him, not
even the
Spectator.
But Nick Cohen is in your Judaism. As a
matter of fact, he’s there right now.
Nick Cohen is in
your house.
You might not think you want him there, but you invited him in. It
is not his custom to go where he is not wanted.
And it’s been a pleasure for
him to talk to you.