We Laugh, Until It Happens

As it does every year:

Social order crumbled and mass executions of sacrificial virgins were ordered as over a centimetre of snow fell in some parts of London today.

As temperatures plummeted mayor Boris Johnson abandoned snowbound boroughs and told them to fend for themselves and eat each other if necessary.

Johnson said: "We can't save the people of Putney now, we can only pray that the gods spare them. All we can do is hope the blood of 100 virgins appeases the snow sprites and makes the roads usable once more."

Many famous London landmarks, including the National Gallery and Madam Tussaud's are currently ablaze as locals try to ward off the white terror.

London cabbie Charlie Reeves said: "It's a bleedin' shame all them Rembrandts had to go up but that weird white stuff has gorn away now, so maybe Jack Sleet hates Dutch Golden Age art? I blame the Polish comin' over here and bringing it wiv them, meself.

He added: "Mind you, Tussaud's has gone up a treat. It’s like a giant candle made out of corpses. Luverly."

This evening will see the sacrificial virgins pushed off the top of Nelson's Column into a blazing pit of Monets followed by a carol service by the Westminster choir. The ceremony has not been conducted since 1751, when half of London died as several ponds froze over for three days.

Boris Johnson added: "We can only assume we have angered Old Flaky in some way, possibly with our plans to extend the Congestion Zone. I've commissioned a think tank to look into alternative methods of snow god appeasement, such as Jew expulsion or making the Queen dance erotically on the roof of Buckingham Palace."

Martin Bishop, a Carlisle-born builder working in London, said: "They're like this all the time, you know. You should have seen my neighbours when some of their roof tiles blew off last winter. You couldn't move for slaughtered chickens in our cul de sac."