Are Dads Disposable?

Not according to the Georgia Family Council:

A recently published study called Mama Says: A National Survey of Moms’ Attitudes on Fathering by the National Fatherhood Initiative tells us that, among other things, most mothers believe there is a father-absence crisis in the United States, that fathers parent best when they are married to their child’s mother, and that a father’s work-family balance could be improved. The survey also reveals that married mothers have higher satisfaction with dad’s parenting than unmarried mothers.

Well, yeah, of course. All of that makes perfect sense.

But then there’s this: More than 50 percent of the moms surveyed believe that mothers can replace fathers, and two out of three believe other men can replace a child’s father. This survey also reveals that mothers who did not live with the father of their child were twice as likely to believe fathers expendable.

According to the survey, “The large proportion of mothers, who think that mothers or other males can adequately substitute for absent or uninvolved fathers is cause for concern, because those beliefs are likely to contribute to father absence and lack of father involvement.”

So, the good news is that a majority of mothers believe that marriage is an invaluable aspect of parenting. Research suggests as much. But the bad and disappointing news is that so many mothers apparently believe that “any ol’ man (or woman) will do” to fill a father’s shoes.

They’re wrong. Dads do matter.

Research by Kyle Pruett at Yale University and many others have shown this. While, generally speaking, mom is best at nurturing and meeting the physical and emotional needs of children, dad is often the one who influences social and academic behavior. He helps his children to establish self-esteem, positive body image and moral strength.

While mothers have a natural bond with infants, fathers are equally important in this stage of development. Pruett found that fathers and their infants develop enhanced relationships through interactions that occur without the presence of the mother. Studies show infants whose fathers actively engage them in play and spend time alone with them show greater socialization and exploratory behavior than infants without that attention.

As children grow, fathers also influence their sons and daughters differently and distinctly. For boys, Dad is a role model. He teaches his son responsibility and what it means to function in his family and society as a man. A dad is also best suited for teaching his son how to treat women by modeling positive treatment of his wife. Boys identify with their fathers because, stating the obvious, they are “different-from-Mom.” Fathers are essential to his sexual identity formation and understanding of masculinity.

When it comes to his daughter, a father’s role is different, but equally important. According to anthropologist Suzanne Frayser, girls who grow up close to their dads are more secure around men later on. A girl’s father is the first man to affirm her femininity, character and self-worth. Research suggests that women who are raised by an involved, supportive dad have healthier relationships with men than those who were not. Girls also learn from their fathers how men should treat women, and later look for similar traits in their partners. Studies show that an engaged father better protects girls from promiscuity and teen pregnancy.

We understand dads are important, but can we state the obvious? There are many cultural commentators who are willing to emphasize fathers, but not the relationship that’s most effective in establishing a bond between a dad and his kids—marriage.

Family scholar and president of the Institute for American Values David Blankenhorn said, “Whatever else its merits, praising fatherhood without concretely supporting marriage is an act of cowardice. It is cowardice because it is widely known – the scholars who study this issue know full well – that in our society the institution of marriage is the essential precondition for, and therefore the most accurate predictor of, exactly the kind of effective, hands-on, nurturing fatherhood that you called for with such passion.”

So what leads mothers to believe dads can be so easily replaced?

For starters, the father absence crisis in America has left its mark on several generations of women and children. A high percentage of mothers have been forced to raise their kids alone, to the point that many seem to view a father as a mere “bonus,” not a necessity. The terrible irony though is that children raised without intact families are far more likely to become pregnant, drop out of school and experiment with drugs and alcohol.

The survey’s coauthor, Norval Glen, says that his findings provide powerful evidence that family structure matters. The enormous differences in responses between the moms who are married and those who aren’t are of a magnitude Glen has rarely seen in his years of analyzing data from social surveys. The mothers from the Mama Says survey have shown us that when fathers, mothers and their children live together, fatherhood is optimized.

We ought to do all that we can to encourage and equip non-custodial fathers to be engaged in their children’s lives. But we should try to prevent this separation from the outset. We must resist the impulse to simply accept the reality of divorce and unwed childbearing. We must resist negative trends and act on the belief that a healthy marriage is the best environment in which to raise a child.

Husbands and dads need not wait around for mothers to answer survey questions about us. What kind of husbands and fathers we are depends on us, not on women. Every husband and father, including me, needs to assume responsibility for maintaining a healthy marriage and being an involved father.

In Britain, although many of these measures apply everywhere, this calls for the introduction of a legal presumption of equal parenting. For the restoration of the tax allowance for fathers for so long as Child Benefit is being paid to mothers. For the restoration of the requirement that providers of fertility treatment take account of the child’s need for a father, and the repeal of the ludicrous provision for two women to be listed as the parents on a birth certificate. And for paternity leave to be made available at any time until the child is 18 or leaves school.

That last, in particular, would reassert paternal authority (and thus require paternal responsibility) at key points in childhood and adolescence. That authority and responsibility require an economic basis such as only the State can ever guarantee, and such as only the State can very often deliver. And that basis is high-wage, high-skilled, high-status employment. All aspects of public policy must take account of this urgent social and cultural need.

Not least, that includes energy policy: the energy sources to be preferred by the State are those providing the high-wage, high-skilled, high-status jobs that secure the economic basis of paternal authority in the family and in the wider community. So, nuclear power. And coal, not dole.