Nigel's Nobles?

If Nigel Farage truly believed that he were going to become Prime Minister, then he would be looking forward to appointing as many Peers as he pleased.

Whom would he ennoble, then or now? Ann Widdecombe, faithful Junior Minister under John Major, Shadow Cabinet stalwart under William Hague, twice cheerleader for the putative Leadership of Ken Clarke, scourge of foxhunting, only Conservative MP to vote with Gordon Brown for 42-day detention without charge, autobiographical praiser of Michael Heseltine for having killed off the British coal industry, and avowed opponent of the Assisted Suicide Bill only because it contained insufficient “safeguards”?

Or Jake Berry, Net Zero enthusiast and Remain campaigner, who last year lost to Labour a seat that was now expected to be won by Reform UK? Or Tim Montgomerie, spear-carrier for the Prime Minister of Net Zero, of very big spending long before Covid-19, of the highest net migration ever, of Stonewall, of the lifting of the requirement that jobs in Britain be advertised first in Britain, of the lockdowns, of the Northern Ireland Protocol, and of the war in Ukraine? Or Andrea Jenkyns, a Minister in that Government and a fanatical supporter of that Prime Minister?

Or Lucy Connolly, who will soon be released after having served only 40 per cent of her sentence (not the 50 per cent that I had to do), and who pleaded guilty, whereas Ricky Jones pleaded not guilty before electing for trial by the jury that has acquitted him, a verdict of a kind against which the Crown almost never appeals? Dry your tiers. And never plead guilty, because it makes no difference.