To Die By Smear And Spin

Peter Hitchens writes:

Huge tankers full of fresh slime fanned out across the nation from Cameron headquarters this weekend. The new slime, specially developed in laboratories, is formulated to be used against the Liberal Democrat leader Nicholas Clegg.

Mr Cameron and his aides are hoping that it will swamp Mr Clegg, though early experiments have not been encouraging.

Existing stocks of slime were effective only against Gordon Brown, who is now so covered in effluent and slurry that there is no point in tipping any more of it over his baffled, scowling head.

Tory environmental experts were scratching their heads, wondering what to do with the surplus anti-Brown fluid. It cannot be poured down the drain. It is so virulent that it would poison the water table for years to come.

A spokesman for the Tory Party (had he been honest) would have said: ‘We have no positive virtues at all, and are indistinguishable from the other two parties.

So the only way we can hope to win this Election is by smearing and denigrating our opponents,or by avoiding politics and concentrating on personality and Mrs Cameron’s dress sense.

‘Until last week this was working very well for us because the Prime Minister is middle-aged, charmless, humourless and looks just like his party.

'And Mrs Brown is a bit of a frump, don’t you think? But we have destroyed Mr Brown so effectively (and he has given us so much unexpected help) that we have accidentally left the field open for Mr Clegg, whose wife is just as attractive as Mrs Cameron, if not more so.

‘We stamped out all remaining traces of conservatism in our party, joined the sexual revolution, embraced Brussels like a brother, spouted Green drivel, pedalled bicycles everywhere, committed ourselves to supporting the worst form of state education known to man and bound ourselves to vast and wasteful state spending for ever.

'We turned ourselves into the Liberal Democrats to get elected, and it looks as if they rather than we are going to benefit.

‘Having stressed that youth, good looks, a cool spouse and a relaxed manner were what really mattered in a would-be Premier, we have accidentally made the case for the Liberal Democrat leader.

'Unluckily for us he is better-looking than our man, has a stylish way of standing with his hands in his pockets, and is much more charismatic. In fact, rather worryingly, he does a far better Blair imitation than David’s.

'The truth is, we don’t know what to do between now and May 6, except produce more and better slime. It’s expensive, but we have plenty of dodgy millionaires left to pay for it. For now, at least.’

Well ha ha ha is what I say. The Tories have spent nearly five long years spitting from a great height on their natural supporters in an unprincipled scramble for office.

They have believed for most of that time that they could win simply by fanning personalised hatred of Gordon Brown. The trouble is that hating Gordon Brown doesn’t necessarily lead to voting Tory.

As we see. If the polls are right, they have not only failed but have quite possibly brought about the birth of a new Blair-style Left-Liberal party which will be far harder to beat than Labour, and just as disastrous.

With a bit of luck they may also have brought about the collapse of their own useless, lying, treacherous party, so that it can be replaced by a new one that actually stands for Britain and for conservative principles. Good. Those who have lived by smear and spin ought to die by smear and spin.