Neighbourhood Watch

Text alerts on the progress of Bills? I ask you!

But more power for “neighbourhoods”, David Cameron? For “local communities” that are not the elected and therefore hated local government, with its high number of proper Tories? We all know what you mean, Dave. We all know only too well.

Your vehicles toured Ealing Southall blasting out in Asian languages that Hindu, Muslim and Sikh festivals would be made public holidays under the Tories. Your “Quality of Life Commission” then proposed giving the power to decide these things to “local community leaders”.

What else, some of us wondered, would those figures be given the power to decide in return for filling in every postal voting form in their households in the Bullingdon Boys’ interest, and making sure that all their mates did likewise? What else indeed, Dave? What else, indeed?

To the statelets thus created – little Caliphates, little Hindutvas, little Khalistans, and so on – people minded to live in such places would flock from the ends of the earth, entrenching the situation for ever. Perhaps when the ultra-Orthodox have been denaturalised by Avigdor Lieberman and his loyalty oath, then Cameron can just give then Stamford Hill, or Salford (bye, bye, Blears), or Gateshead?

Oh, well, we may as well make the best of it. Let us identify the “local communities” to which, in the event of a Cameron victory, we will be evacuating the Christians of Orissa, Darfur, Iraq and Palestine. Just for a start.